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parang napaka-unfair. hindi ba pwedeng huwag naman lahat mawala?

last year, i decided to take a break from work to know for certain whether i still wanted to work.
i called it my retreat. i did a lot of praying. but i also did other things.
whenever im pissed off, which is an awful lot of times and for various reasons and at various people, i try to go through the deepest crevices of my memories and try to dig as deep and as hard as i can for the happiest memories. as i got older i learned to deal with the fact that i really have to dig deep and hard into that “happiness cache” simply because i don’t have much there.
those times in coron still stand out as among the really few times when i felt at peace, and truly happy. i guess it had to do with the lights — the really astonishing display of lights in that place. the lights seem magical wherever i turn — the water, the beach, the restaurants that overlook the water, the lighted cross on some hilltop… it’s something like that.
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another auditorium tomorrow.
im shaken from previous days’ episodes, my confidence below the marianas. im friggin’ afraid.
but gotta do this. gotta do this. gotta do this.
please, please, please, Big Guy, a little hand.
i wanna pull off tomorrow that cool stint i did last year:
arrivin’ at the venue ‘undone’, with my eyes red, my voice crackling and hoarse, and then sayin’ “revolution, god damn it!”
and that was all it took. people applauded.
nice.

nearing end of year. has started doing the usual clearing.
this one’s for tucking into the cache under my bed.

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